The Divorce Elephant

There’s an elephant in the room, and I suppose I should let her out. I haven’t talked to many friends or family about it at all, so I guess it’s time, and I would rather write about it than talk about it. This summer wasn’t an easy one for our family, and I’m happy fall is here. It means we made it through another season, and the kids are adjusting okay. After 11 years and 3 marriage therapists and no improvement in the health of our relationship, I decided this year I just couldn't do it anymore, and I know a lot of judgment comes with that decision. I didn’t see an improvement in the level and intensity of our fighting. I had received one too many notes from the kids about “Mom, I love you but I don’t like when you and Dad fight.” For too many years, I had talked myself into things like, “It’s better to argue in front of the kids rather than behind closed doors. We’re teaching them how to stand up for themselves.” It’s kind of amazing the things you’ll talk yourself into…

I asked Tim for a divorce in January, but he told me I needed to present him with papers before he’d do anything about it. I took my time, mulled it over, went to an attorney, and as it turns out, papers are not necessary, she said. “You just move out.” Sounded simple enough, but it really isn’t a simple thing at all. I wanted to wait until summer so the kids would have time to adjust. I waited until the kids were away for a couple of weeks in June so they wouldn’t have to be here for the move, and I moved into a small condo near the kids’ school. I was trying to ensure they’d have some continuity in their little lives. My teenage cousin Abby helped with continuity too by being their nanny again this summer and by going with the kids from house to condo and back.

I think Tim and I are both decent parents. We were just a miserable couple and were from the very beginning, and any of you who knows us knows that much. I hope one day we can learn to be friends. I also hope we can both do a good job of keeping the BS between us to a minimum and behind quiet closed doors. The kids don’t need to be involved in any of the adult-level conversations, and they don’t need to hear anything bad about the other parent. For now, we’re sharing custody, so the kids spend a week with me and then a week with Tim. We don’t have to go a full week away from them either because we have a mid-week visit with the kids on the opposite parent’s week.
 

I was (and am) very sad about it, but I just didn’t see things getting better. In fact, to me, they seemed to be getting worse. I kept trying to tell myself I just needed to make it until the kids were grown, but I kept having experiences that would make me question if I was doing the right thing. Only time will tell I suppose, but the kids seem to be doing okay. They’re resilient six- and nine-year-olds. Sofia has thrown herself into cheerleading, and I love how much she loves it. She practices constantly and wants to be the angel child because her brother has tough days. Gabe has some emotional moments and pushes boundaries because he's having a harder time with it, I think. He needs more TLC these days and doesn't know how to ask for it. So I hope his father is being patient with him.

In some ways, I also feel like a giant weight has been lifted. I don’t have to fight every day now; I don't walk on eggshells. I would much rather Gabe and Sofia have a role model who is a strong and happy single mom than a miserable, married mom.

Sofia asked me in the car yesterday, “Mom, when I want to get married someday, will my boyfriend have to ask Daddy’s permission?” And before I could say anything, Gabe said, “No, but he will have to ask Mom’s permission.” I laughed and I told her, “No he won’t – he’ll have to ask *your* permission to try to make you the happiest woman on Earth. You only choose someone because you think he’ll make you happy and you'll make him happy -- and only after you turn 30.” She said, “Not 20?” I repeated, “AFTER you’re at least 30.”