Therapy session

Since I started this blog, it has been mostly about the kids, but I think now it's time to branch out. I haven't done much writing just for me in a very long time. I supposedly get to write at work, but that's not really true. It's mostly editing or re-working what other people write. I'd like a place to voice my thoughts too just for my own therapy really. And since I need a lot of therapy and I'm too broke to afford an actual therapist, you can expect to hear from me in this space regularly.

When you have kids, I think too many of us (moms mostly) believe everything revolves around them, or that is what is expected anyway. My stories don't matter. The kids' stories, on the other hand, do. I viewed my stories as sad or boring. The way the kids view the world is so much more interesting. I have always been a good actress, so I tried hard to put a pretty smile and a pretty face on a lot of turmoil. But a wise woman two years ago asked if the relationship I had with my husband was one I would want Sofia to emulate, and I broke down in tears. Absolutely not. I hope one day she finds someone who treats her with respect, someone who stands beside her every decision, someone who understands the meaning of co-parenting. Same goes for my Gabe. I think a spouse should be your number one supporter all the time, not your critic, not someone who makes a game of pushing your buttons. For those of you who actually have that ideal partnership, I hope you cherish it. Hug your partners and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.

I am proud of myself for ending a long cycle of abuse and for helping set a new, positive example for the kids. That doesn't mean it isn't incredibly hard. I have many, many moments where I can't see straight through tears, where I feel like I can't breathe because all I want to do is hug and hold my two adorable kids, and I can't because they're with my ex- half of the time. I have had many moments where I question what I did. However, the way he is acting through this whole thing makes me realize he was never going to change, ever. He helps me remember again and again with his actions and with his dishonesty that I made the right choice, even if a painful choice. It's one I will not regret.

Here's to no longer putting a pretty face on an ugly subject -- the truth. I have had too many people --friends and family and complete strangers--say, "But you looked so happy!" Yeah, yeah. It's super easy to look happy. Act happy, capture the happy moments on film and in writing, and you might even almost convince yourself you can live with the rest of the B.S. No one knows what happens behind closed doors, except for the person who is supposed to love you the most and the darling innocent children who should never have to experience such awful fighting by miserable parents.

It's in a crisis like the one I've been going through for the last year that we discover who our true friends are -- those who don't judge or cast stones or act like divorce is somehow contagious. There's my bit of therapy for the day.