My beautiful and wise daughter is 8 today!

Sofia, the girl who has never been a little girl is turning 8. Many people believe she is shy and quiet, but I know better. She is so brave. So fierce. So determined. So strong. She is accomplishment-driven and sometimes introspective. She loves to read --gets up earlier than anyone and curls up with a book in the sunlit bay window. She loves to tell me all about whatever is happening in the books she is reading. She doesn't stop talking and calls me out when she thinks I have stopped paying attention. "Mommmm, that wasn't 'cool!' You're not listening!"

She loves to write. She does homework well before it is due. She watches YouTube videos to learn new and different gymnastics or cheerleading moves/jumps/acrobatics. I don't even know what half the things she does are called, but she loves them. And she does them over and over again until she masters them. Cheerleading and gymnastics (as much as I truly do not like either sport) have helped her self-confidence. She is funny and louder than ever, and thank goodness, she is her own person! :)

She lifts weights. She encourages me to do yoga with her. (I *try* to like yoga. She took the DVD from a friend of hers!) She won't eat things she deems not healthy. She does push-ups and sit-ups to work on her fitness.(She doesn't get those things from me either, by the way.) Sofia the 8-year-old. Sofia, the girl whose eyes welled up with crocodile tears when the gymnastics instructor said she should start in the beginners class because she was a little shaky on the beam -- something she had never done before. I need to help teach her that it's okay to be a beginner. This is my darling daughter who I am telling you was never a baby. She doesn't want to be a beginner in anything. She cuddles with me only when she knows I need a good cuddle. Sofia is selfless beyond belief. She constantly wants to help with everything. "Mom, what else can I do?" I just want to tell her to enjoy life, to stop stressing out about stuff like abdominal muscles and gymnastics moves. I want her to be a little girl.

Please. Please baby girl. Be a little child. Since you were never a baby. I love you so, so much. Happy birthday to my angel girl who must have an ancient, wise soul.

 Look at that TINY hand!

 She used to suck the "I love you" fingers just like Aunt Jorgie did.

 Gabe with his baby sister!

 Playing in the water!

 Feeding her baby

 Having a tea party

 Determined little rock climber -- haha!

 She wiped an eye booger away when Dix got her good with a thank-you kiss right across the mouth!

 Baking cupcakes with her mama -- look at that attitude! Gotta love it!

 Princesses :)

 Cheerleading Year 1

Cheerleading Year 2 -- 2013 is a cheer-themed party! Happy 8th birthday Sofia!

I have a 10-year-old! Happy birthday Gabe!

Dear Gabe,

It's hard to believe you're 10 today! Whoever said "don't blink" wasn't kidding! You're growing up way too fast! And I have just a few things I want to tell you on this special occasion. :)

I love that you still call me "mama," that you still want to confide in me, and that you still want to twirl my hair as you drift off to dream. I love how much you light up when you are excited to tell me about something like a "shock" pen, or a book you're reading, or a movie you've just seen and loved (like Life of Pi). You're great at putting things together (you sure helped me figure out the cymbals that go on your drumset), and you have been since you were little. I'll never forget you trying to lift sewer covers when you were 3 or asking me where the water goes when it goes down the drain, or when you went to the back of a moonbounce before getting in it so you could inspect how it worked! (What 4-year-old does that?!) :)

You're such a kind and funny boy, and most of the time, you're protective of your sister (although of course you do your fair share of bickering at each other)! :) All I want for your future is that you have a little more fun (hence the kick-ass drum set) and continue on the wondrous path you're already on. I just know you'll be a kind-hearted, loving, smart, funny man some day who really enjoys life. I am so proud of you for who you are. I love you so much, and I will always be here for you any time you want to talk, cry or even twirl my hair.

Here's a quick snapshot of my favorite pictures of you throughout your first decade of life!

I love you, my little man!
xoxoxo,
Mom

Just born! And we're both exhausted. Look at your TINY little hand!

You finally had a little bit of hair on top of your head! :)

Here you are with Bubbe & Uncle Eli. Bubbe brought Angus home at the same time I brought you home from the hospital. :)

What a lucky little fella! You turned 1 on a beach in Italy.

Holly holding you & Amelia at your first birthday party

Here you're turning 2! Look at that giant smile!

Brushing Nanni's hair

Peeking in from outside -- look at your cold little nose!

Playing with your new baby sister! She's 3 months old here.

Posing with Sofia

Making you laugh at the Tulip Garden in DC

Giving Aunt Vicki hugs!

Graduating pre-k with your best friend Ethan

Riding a pony at a friend's birthday party

Turning 5!

SO excited to get transformers!

Riding the school bus for the first time!

Banging on Mom's drum (and birthday gift from Adina)

Making Mom laugh after a run

Doing the touristy thing with Aunt Alana

Fun at the playground

Water Mine fun with the Russells

Monkeying around with Ethan

Taking Flat Stanley and Flat Stella at the Alamo

Making Eliot laugh -- in North Carolina for Kirsten's wedding

You will be taller than me before I know it!

You begged & pleaded for a drumset for your 10th birthday. Looks like you're a lucky, lucky little fella to me! :D And I'm one LUCKY mama to have you for my son. I love you Gabe.

Surgery & Trying to Learn that the Other Shoe isn't Always About to Drop

Friday morning, Sofia had a minor surgery to remove a mole from her head. It was a surgery I wasn't thrilled with, mainly because it wasn't one I thought she needed. But after three different opinions that all ended in a "better to be safe than sorry" type of prognosis, we ended up having the surgery.

We arrived at George Washington University Hospital at 8:30 a.m. The first person to come into the room was the anesthesiologist who was very sweet and good with Sofia (and with us). There was a whole team of doctors, residents and nurses paying close attention to Sofia, and each one introduced him or herself and asked the same questions about her name and birthday to verify her identity. By the end, Sofia was creating new birth days and years, and I was wondering if the medications were kicking in or if she was really forgetting her birthday.

Before the day of the surgery, Sofia asked a lot of questions like, "Will there be a hole in my head?" and "Will it hurt?" and "Why do I have to have it taken off again?" I could tell she was incredibly anxious, but she put on a really brave face and never let a tear fall. The doctor described her as "stoic."

At one point fairly early on, they let us know that only one parent could go into the operating room with her. Tim said, "It's up to you two." My mind was racing because I didn't want Sofia to feel like she had to choose between us, and I also wasn't sure I was the best parent to go with her. I was worried I'd cry and make her cry. Sofia said, "I want you to come with me, Mommy." I almost started crying just hearing her say that. What a sap I can be! But I knew I had to wear a brave face just for her sake. I asked her if she wanted to sing because she had been singing "You are my sunshine" the night before, and I thought that might get her mind off of things. Tim volunteered that I could sing the "acorn" song, and Sofia agreed. So we went that direction instead. Nothing like a little "I'm a nut, tee-hee, I'm a nut" to make a 7-year-old smile. Speaking of which, both of Sofia's top two teeth are loose, and the nurses were concerned she'd lose the top left tooth while under general anesthesia. She didn't, thank goodness.

We sang one more song together before wheeling the gurney back into the operating room. I was holding her hand and repeating over and over silently in my head like a prayer, "Do not cry. Do not let Sofia see you cry" while they gave her gas to put her to sleep. The second her eyes closed, the tears started coming and wouldn't stop. All I could think was that "5/31/13" would be the date on her headstone and that that was the very last time I would ever look into my daughter's beautiful blue eyes. The nurse (Sarah) was incredibly sweet and hugged me and told me everything would be just fine.

I don't know how to explain my emotions except to say that Sofia has always struck me as an old soul. She is the sweetest child on the planet, and every fiber of my being was scared she'd be taken from this world over something as ridiculous a procedure as this one. I feel blessed to be her mother every single day. I feel the same way about Gabriel, don't get me wrong. It's just that Sofia never felt like a baby. I worry sometimes that she's here to teach some kind of lesson. Like Gabe and I are new souls learning from Sofia and we're only blessed with her for so long. I know that's a crazy thing to write, and I cannot explain what makes me feel that way, and I sincerely hope she and Gabe both long outlive me. I cannot, cannot imagine what parents of truly sick children go through.

Time passed insanely slowly, but finally the doctor came out to let us know that everything went well. He didn't have to shave any part of her head, and he was able to use the dissolvable sutures. When they brought Sofia out, she was already enjoying a popsicle and smiling. She was pretty woozy still from the medications, and she kept putting her hands out in front of her and pointing to the drapes saying, "They're 3-D." Then she asked, "When are they going to take the mole off?" I had to laugh. She had no idea everything was done. And then when she saw the gigantic bandage on her head, she moaned and asked repeatedly why she had to wear it.

They wheeled her outside, and Tim put her in the car. When I got her home, I asked if she wanted me to carry her, and she said, "yes." I got to carry her up the stairs to the condo, and I thought the whole way, "Man, I bet this is the last time she'll ever let me carry her."

Gabe was really worried about his sister, and he asked me a million questions when I picked him up early from after school care. He had wanted to walk home from school so he could be there when she got home, but I had told him he couldn't do that yet. I prepped him for the big bandage on her head, and he was very loving and sweet with her when we got home.

And just like any other weekend morning, the very next morning, Sofia was awake before I was, and when I came downstairs, she was cheering, "Mom, it's June 1st. Do you know what that means? It's your birthday month! Don't look at what I'm working on, Mom; it's a birthday present for you." To say that my daughter makes my day brighter every single day is an understatement. Gabe does too of course, but there's a certain sweetness to Sofia that almost makes me question what I did to deserve such joy. Maybe teenage years are going to be awful? Or maybe I should just learn to accept happiness in my life. The other shoe is not always about to drop, as the saying goes. (I'm a slow learner.) I love both of my babies so much, and I feel so blessed to be their mama.

School Mornings

How I intend for mornings to go:

I wake up each kid with lots of kisses and hugs and cheerfully nudge them out of bed chirping, "Rise and shine! It's time to start a glorious new day!" The children pop up out of bed, tell me how much they love me and are looking forward to their new day. They get themselves ready while dancing to music I have playing through the computer downstairs; I continue getting ready, and I drop them off at their school at the earliest possible time (7:35) so I can get to work by 8:30.

How most mornings *actually* go:

6:00 a.m.. is my first attempt to gently wake up kids who very crankily say, "Nooooo. I'm not ready to get up." (Keep in mind, this is nearly always after 9-10 hours of sleep.) Or, sometimes, they simply pretend not to hear me at all.

6:30: attempt 2, I begin to beg. "C'mon guys, please. You have to get up, or you won't have enough time to eat breakfast."

7:00: final attempt, I start to get annoyed and launch into a voice that apparently Gabe hates because he likes to whine, "Mom, please don't use THAT voice" to which I curtly respond, "And I don't like it when you whine like a baby. If you don't get up right now, you will be late for school. Let's go, Gabe. On the double!"

The entire morning, I hear myself hollering prompts down the stairs like, "Are your shoes on?" "Is your bowl in the sink?" "Did you brush your teeth?" "Is your jacket on?" "Do you have your backpack?" "C'mon guys, we're gonna be late. I need you to move a little faster." Gabe has advanced to expert level with ignoring everything I ask. Sofia still dutifully answers my questions.

This morning, I reminded them both that if they don't like me asking these questions, there's a checklist on the  bulletin board that they helped make. Achievement-oriented Sofia loves checking each item off the list. Gabe has no interest whatsoever in the list.

We are often racing the clock to get the kids to school before the bell rings at 7:50, and I am lucky to get to work by 8:30.

Yeah, Saturday and Sunday mornings are DEFINITELY my favorite mornings of the week!!! :D On the weekends, we all sleep in, no one is cranky and I don't have to feel like a nag. :)

And We're Back to Regularly-Scheduled Programming...

Gabe waltzes out of the bathroom the other morning with his testicles cupped in his hand to ask me, "Hey Mom, what's inside here?"

I turn to look at him. "What? What's inside where?...Oh!" as I realize what he was asking me. "They're called testicles, Gabe. Or testes. Or some people call them 'balls.'" (I'm making a mental note to see if the library carries a book my mom used to read called "Where Do Babies Come From?" I swear that last line that I just regurgitated to Gabe comes straight out of that book.)

Gabe: Or nuts? Or a ballsac? Are they called "balls" because they bounce? (Now he's bouncing around the place buck naked, and I know he's just trying to make me laugh.)

Me (trying not to laugh too hard; I mean I guess I shouldn't encourage this behavior): Yep.

Gabe: But what's inside? Is it water? If I took scissors and cut 'em, what would come out?

Me (Whoa! Trying hard not to freak out now):  Gabe, this might be a question for your dad, but please don't take scissors to them. They're vital organs. I don't want you cutting any part of your body. Testicles hold your sperm, and you'll need that some day in your 30s or 40s when you decide to get married and start a family. If Dad doesn't show you any pictures, I can show you some on the Internet tonight, okay, Bud?

Gabe: Okay, Mom. Cool! Pictures!

I get the distinct sense Gabe thinks there are marbles or something really cool-looking on the inside. Man, kids are hilarious! And, yes, we did wind up looking at pictures on the Internet (pictures I naturally checked out first) and pictures that made both kids giggle. I have no idea why our anatomy is so funny to kids, but it apparently is!

I've Been Quiet...

The tragedy at Sandy Hook has weighed incredibly heavily on my mind for the last two weeks, and I haven't been able to quite shake it. As a mom, watching that coverage was horrifying. I imagine watching it would be horrifying to anyone, but there was something about watching those other moms on TV -- trying to imagine what it would be like waiting for your children to come out of school -- knowing that if they don't, it probably means they're gone -- that hit too close to home.

Co-parenting is difficult when you live in the same house. Add a divorce to the mix, and well, it gets even more difficult. I texted Tim to ask if he had discussed it at all with the kids that Sunday. I felt like I needed to know how he had talked about it. He hadn't, so that made that discussion easy. I felt certain school counselors or teachers or other kids would talk to our kids about it, and I didn't want that to be the way they learned about what happened. So, after doing the requisite Internet research, I cautiously treaded into unfamiliar territory with them. I kept it brief, assured them that this was a highly unusual instance, and that while terribly sad, it was highly unlikely to happen to us. Gabe had an instance last year in which a kid brought a gun to school and showed it around (including to him), so we talked again about what to do when you see a gun.

The kids didn't have many questions. I answered the couple that they had, and when we got to school the next morning, Sofia asked if the police would be there to protect them every day. It was a lovely gesture on the local police department's part to try to make the kids feel safer that first week back to school. I told her I wasn't sure, but that they'd probably just be there this week. I tried to convey that they're safe when they're inside that building, that visitors have to be buzzed in, etc., but even I wasn't sure I felt confident saying it. The thing is, though, that anything can happen at any moment -- not just in a school -- and this is the biggest reason I'm trying not to focus on it. But it has been tough. Any time someone complains, including me, I hear another part of me hollering, "Hey! Your kids are still alive and well! What on Earth do you have to kvetch about?" And yes, I realize the irony of this statement, given my last post. I know we all have things to complain about and that some amount of complaining is healthy. But I don't need to do it in front of the kids, and for the most part, I don't. :) So, that's the part I'm trying to embrace. Focusing on having fun with them because hey, they're here! I'm here! We have LIFE to celebrate.

And with that, I say, "let's really enjoy 2013!" Let's make it the best year yet. Let's enjoy our friends and family and friends who are like family. Give hugs for no particular reason, except to let someone know you love them and you're so glad they're here.

Love to you all,
k

Onward and Upward in 2013

After much thought, I have decided this blog will remain mostly a place for me to retell the kids' stories. I have always admired that my mom never said an unkind word about my biological father. And in fact, I never knew what actually happened between them until I was in college and started to ask questions both of her and of him. I'd like that to be the case for Sofia and Gabe too. They're my little angels, and they deserve to be protected from the BS that transpires between their parents. The ex- and I should try to do better by them, particularly since we haven't done the best job over the last 9 years. Additionally, it seems nearly impossible to protect their privacy in this day and age. Eventually, they'll be on the Internet all the time and they'll find their way here, and I'd like to do a better job in protecting their innocence.

That said, I think the reason women on average live longer than men is because we know how to let it out. haha! I have a lot to kvetch about, and venting is good for my soul. So I will be launching a private blog just for me -- one where I hopefully don't have to worry about the kids stumbling upon it. Hell I might even write a book under a pseudonym. Doesn't feel nearly as courageous somehow, but I don't care. It would be fabulous to get a lot off my chest; even if no one is reading, it will be therapeutic. Based on the outpouring of support through private messages and even public ones the couple of times I have vented a bit on Facebook, I think it's completely worth it, and I think it also does some of my friends and family good too. So, anyway, if you're interested in reading it, send me a private email and I'll give you the password. My email address is kristinnleonhart@gmail.com

Thanks, and happy New Year! I know 2013 is going to be better than 2012. I can feel it in my bones. :)

xoxo,
k

SEVEN?!

Sofia turns 7 tomorrow. Where has the time gone? She came into this world a beautiful, strong spirit and was never really a baby. She took her time getting here -- three days to be exact. She wasn't as cuddly as Gabe had been and didn't much care for nursing, so that only lasted 8 months. Sofia just wanted to listen and then join everyone's conversations. From the moment she was born, Sofia has had something to say.

She's my little talker and an incredible reader and artist. Sofia is reading Charlotte's Web right now, which just blows me away. It was one of my favorite books as a kid, and I'm amazed that she's reading it in first grade. Sofia Jane is the sweetest child. She's an overly perfect child. Always asking to help. Part of me wants her to be more of a child and less of a little adult. She has seemingly always been a little adult.

Happy 7th Birthday Sofia Jane, my little cheerleading, chatty reader and artist! I hope you know it's okay to screw up every now and again and that I love you very, very much no matter what!

Here's one of my favorite videos of Sofia from many moons ago -- she has always been a chatty storyteller. I just love it!

All I Want for Hanukkah is for Time to Slow Down and to be a Better Judge of Character -- is that so much to ask? :)

So, knowing that the X gets the kids for much of the winter break, including Christmas, I went online and found cheap tickets to take the kids to San Antonio. I don't think the kids had been there since 2007, but that might not be right. Maybe that's just the last time they had been to Abilene. In any case, it was wonderful to spend time with so much family and a few friends too!

We spent the first half of our trip with Bubbe and Grandpa and the second half with Ryan and Vicki and even worked in a trip to Abilene! Thanksgiving was bountiful -- with food, family, and friends, the way it oughta be! The kids had a fabulous time playing with their many cousins and climbing trees and hunting for bones at Ryan and Vicki's place. My brother Ryan moved into a place on two and a half acres, and it has a ton of deer bones scattered about, so the kids enthusiastically brought them one by one to the porch until they had amassed a collection of about 53 bones.

One night, while my friend Jennifer and I were sitting chatting on Ryan's couch (and the kids were sound asleep), a beautiful wooden, African-looking statue jumped off the mantel (I do not joke!), bounced off the tile, and landed upright on the bottom of the fireplace. Jen and I looked at each other and busted out laughing. We developed theories about the place being haunted and sufficiently freaked one another out. Of course the next day when we talked to Ryan and Vicki about it, they managed to freak me out right back. Vicki let me know that the statue is actually supposed to be a fertility god, and it must've been jumping out at me saying, "heyyy, it's about time to have that third baby!" When the joke's turned back on you, it's not nearly as funny. haha!

I certainly had fun pretending though -- holding my baby nephews Alden and Oren and niece Rena. It has been a long time, but boy do babies smell good. I don't want a third husband (thanks, but no thanks!) but one more baby could be a nice surprise. Why not? ;) Maybe I'll ask some of my guy friends if anyone wants to volunteer for the job. haha!

Seriously though, every time I'm home, it gets tougher to leave. I had a fantastic time catching up with each of my brothers and sisters and friends that I managed to see. The only thing I wish I had was more time to spend with each of them and time to visit with those I didn't get a chance to see at all.

The thing the last year is teaching me is that I am a terrible, and I mean truly terrible, judge of character. It's amazing how clearly you see things when you look back. For the future, I'd like to concentrate on spending time and energy on the people I love the most, Gabe and Sofia, my family, and my friends who have always treated me like family.

Sofia, the art-lovin', bow-carrying cheerleader and Gabe the violinist-, ipod-playing werewolf

Sofia keeps asking questions about Frida Kahlo. She's so funny. Sofia gets thinking about something or someone, and she asks a million questions. I showed her a bunch of photos I have of Frida, and Sofia's eyes just lit up. Man, I wish I could draw like Sofia does. She just sits and sketches all the time -- and quickly too. I'm amazed watching her.

She has her performance day in cheerleading this Sunday from noon until 5, and because I'm doing my first conference in the new job, I won't be able to make it. I am super upset about it. I can't travel any later in the day than I'm already travelling though, and I'm already missing the first day of the conference. I wish I could talk Tim into recording the whole thing or at least parts of it for me.

I need to get Gabe involved in something, but the idea of shepherding two kids to activities seems pretty overwhelming to me. So maybe I'll just play up the excitement of learning the violin to the maximum. :) He's learning violin in school. I'll show Gabe some cool YouTube videos of incredible violinists or something. :) Gabe spends a lot of time playing games on his ipod touch (I think it's called) and emailing his buddy Ethan.

I can't believe I'll be in Sacramento for work this week and then in San Antonio the following week. It's going to be a busy couple of weeks. And 2013 will be here before we know it!

I'm attaching a few recent photos -- enjoy!
love,
k

 Sofia's rendition of Frida Kahlo (over breakfast yesterday morning)

 The kids acting scared on Halloween

 Sofia proudly displaying her drawing of Frida (and did I mention Sofia has a paper bat in her hair? I wish I had captured that better on film!)

Merida and the Werewolf

I can sleep now...

Long day that started early! The kids didn't have school because of a teacher workday, although I think the real reason is so they can use the schools as places to vote. At the breakfast table this morning, Sofia drew a picture of Frida Kahlo. She is incredibly talented! She also announced that she wants to go to art school when she's older, like the one that Miss Linda's daughter goes to. :)

I had enrolled Gabe and Sofia in a camp today, and since I couldn't drop them off until 9, I took them with me to vote. I usually do anyway because I think it's good for them to see me vote. We arrived at 8; it was freezing cold, and the line was down the block. The kids weren't happy campers, so I decided instead to take them to their actual camp and come back to vote later.

I had back-to-back meetings today but left D.C. as early as I could, picked up the kids from camp at 5 and took them with me again to vote. We were in line for 2.5 hours, but the kids were troopers. They were excited to tell me that President Obama won their vote at camp, and I wondered if that might foretell the evening's results as well. Gabe asked me, "What if it's a tie, Mom?" I told him that would make for a very long week. :)

He started acting up a bit after dinner, so I held him extra tight and asked him what was wrong. He started crying and telling me about a boy at school who is extra mean toward him. Apparently, this boy told Gabe that in his student ID picture, he looks like he wants to get punched. Gabe asked me ever so innocently, "what kind of face am I making that means I want to get punched?" I told Gabe that boy just wasn't being nice and that someone at home is probably being mean toward him, and he's taking it out on kids at school. Gabe is upset though because apparently the kid won't let him play with another friend that Gabe really wants to play with. I told Gabe he also should write about what the boy is doing in his journal at school because I bet the teacher might be able to help. (The teacher actually told me to have Gabe do that about anything that is upsetting him.)

Then it became the evening of the "let's talk about bullies" because Sofia wanted to talk about a little girl who is mean to her at school. She said this little girl tells her she looks fat when she "breathes out." Uggh! Can you believe the things 6-year-old girls will say to each other?! I asked Sofia why she even wants to be friends with someone who is so mean to her, and she said, "well, Mom, she's not always mean to me; sometimes she's mean to other girls." I explained to Sofia that she really has to stick up for anyone that this girl is being mean to, and Sofia said she'd rather just ignore her. She also told me that she'll just laugh when she's mean to her. Oh man. I gotta teach my kids to have more of a backbone, or they're going to get walked all over. And this woman just can't have that! :)

Tonight I of course stayed up late watching election coverage, and thought I'd go straight to sleep when NBC called it for President Obama, but here I am -- thinking it would help me to write about my day. I am so relieved this country has re-elected our President. I truly believe in him and the direction he's leading our country. And now I think I can drift off to dream. :)

Life's simple pleasures

Tonight Gabe said, "You're a good cook Mama," and I beamed with pride. He was having a rough night. Came home upset to tell me he had earned a failing grade on a social studies test last week, so we worked together most of the night correcting his 11 incorrect answers. It's definitely not the easiest thing to help children with homework while cooking dinner -- something I have only recently learned because I never cooked before.

I have a newfound appreciation for the crockpot. I prefer it because I can make dinner after putting the kids to bed. I like spending quality time with them because I never feel like I have enough of it. I am always racing into the community center to pick them up from after school care just before 6 p.m. because I have to deal with traffic coming from D.C. By the time we get home, it's 6:15 and I have always been adamant about a 7:30 bedtime. It's more like 8 or 8:30 before they're actually asleep, and they struggle to get up when the alarm goes off at 6. So to have dinner ready to go the second we walk in at 6:15 is pretty darn awesome.

Tonight though I didn't have anything ready, so I grilled some chicken breasts in a pan with chicken broth and some seasoning and did steamed broccoli with toast. I thought it was a fairly boring meal, but the kids were thrilled, humming and happy. As someone who is just figuring out how to cook anything, I felt incredibly thrilled Gabe voiced such a strong positive opinion about the meal. Funny how the little things make you so happy...

Sofia announced from the dinner table that she wants to go to the same school that Miss Linda's daughter goes to -- the Rhode Island School of Design. She also said she wants to draw a picture of Frida that I have on the wall in the dining room. She started asking questions about Frida, and I was so excited to tell her all about Frida. Well, I kept it pretty G-rated, but I did tell her quite a bit about her life. Sofia wanted to read the "baby gator story" again, so we read that together in bed. And then, I fell asleep putting Gabe to bed. He still twists and twirls my hair as he's falling asleep. I always say, "I'm staying for two minutes," and before I know it, I'm snoozing. That was at 8 tonight and now I am laying in bed wide awake, wondering when I'll be able to fall back asleep. Tomorrow morning, that 6 a.m. wake-up call is going to be brutal. :)

Running is Good Therapy Too

I ran the DC Half and Half yesterday morning, a great race for a great cause. A friend's husband orchestrated the race as a fundraiser for a former student who now runs a scholarship program called Scholarchips for students of incarcerated parents. A fairly small inaugural race, the idea was to run from Carter Barron park to Ben's Chili Bowl, a DC landmark, eat a half-smoke and then run the second half of the half-marathon. I had never done anything like that before, but found I did fine, albeit some logistical difficulty.

At some point on the way back (after burping up chili dog a couple of times, thinking, "keep that food down; keep that food down!"), I realized I had not run back down this incredibly steep hill I had run up on my way to Ben's. I thought, "Oh crap! I haven't noticed any chalk arrows lately" when I realized I was completely turned around. I stopped for a minute, tried to call a friend whose husband was running the race, but she didn't hear her phone, so then I decided to use my maps application on my phone. Yeah, my old phone doesn't have the walking maps option, so the next thing I know, I'm running on the Rock Creek Parkway with some disgruntled car drivers honking at me. haha! Eventually, when it was 11:20 (and I had been running since 8:30), I decided it was time to hail a cab to get my butt back to the start line. I figured I had definitely run 13.1 miles by then. :) Staci (my friend I had called for directions) called me back and was so sweet -- she waited for me and as I came into the parking lot in a cab was clapping and cheering me on. haha! Thanks Staci!

I went home, tried to take a nap but was only able to sleep for about 40 minutes, and then got up and got some stuff from the neighbor. My neighbor is moving to Chicago, which is a shame because I only just got to know her, and she's a hoot and a half. The only silver lining is she is selling me a few things that I can really use for the condo. I have completely furnished my condo with used furniture from Craig's List, Goodwill or really cheap furniture from Target or Ikea. So, Kim (my neighbor) helped me move over a bunch of items. Then I showered and went over to hang out with my friend Natalie. I needed to stay awake until 1:50 a.m. in order to run the Anything is Possible 5k.

Natalie is a big fan of red wine, and I'm right there with her. Needless to say, at some point, I realized I would never be able to stay awake to do this awesome run in my PJs. So I texted Karen to say something like, "good luck! I'm not gonna make it!" I slept on Natalie's pull-out couch and she and I went for a walk and then pedicures today. Felt good to be pampered a bit. :) Then I went grocery shopping and to Target to buy Sofia some much-needed long-sleeved clothes before the X dropped them off at 7 tonight.

Gabe gives me the longest, sweetest hugs when he gets here. Sofia joins in too. Earlier in the week, I had made them a photo album of a bunch of the photos of the X and me and them, so we looked at that at bed time, and Gabe wanted to read me some of his favorite Shel Silverstein poems. He's so funny! Loves some of the same poems I loved at his age!

When the kids come over, they spend the first half-hour (unprompted) explaining all of the things they did and the things their father said over the last week. I won't get into the latter because it will just upset me, but suffice it to say that half the things he says to them are in no way, shape or form appropriate to say to children. Whenever I try to email him to tell him what they're telling me, he just denies it, so it's almost not worth doing anymore. I just wanted to tell them my exciting news about being able to take them home to San Antonio for Thanksgiving, but of course he had already shared my news. My favorite (*sarcasm*) is that he loves to ask, "What's wrong?" when he walks in to drop off the kids. I always say, "nothing" and I wonder why he thinks it's appropriate to ask me what's wrong in front of the kids. If he really cared that something might be wrong,  he might try asking in private or over email or something, but that's precisely the point. He doesn't care.

I want to take the kids to see Wreck-it Ralph. I hope he didn't already take them. It didn't occur to me to ask before putting them to bed tonight. Speaking of which, it's about time for me to hit the hay.

I don't know about you, but I'm super nervous about the election on Tuesday. I'll be taking the kids with me, like I always do, to vote. Just hope I don't run into the X, and if I do, he'd better not ask me what's wrong. He just likes to push my buttons. Always has. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis anymore. C'est la vie.

Anything is Possible

So tomorrow I wake up bright and early to run the DC Half and Half Marathon, an inaugural race for a great cause. In this half-marathon, when you get to the half-way point, you have to eat a half smoke from Ben's Chili Bowl before you're allowed to run the second half. I have never had any problems eating while running, so I think I'll be fine, and the idea of running with runners who take themselves about as seriously as I do is super appealing to me. I really only run so I can eat whatever I want. I do love to eat! And running affords me plenty of time to think and become zen. :)

Then tomorrow night, I'm running a 5k called the "Anything is Possible" race in Bethesda. We're meeting up at midnight and running in our PJs -- racing the clock and ending Daylight Savings Time. The race starts at 1:50 a.m. and I'll have a negative race time. haha! I love these quirky races! I love quirky people!

At this point in my life, I just want to laugh and laugh. I'm 37 and I'm done with crying damnit. :) Why do any of us take life so seriously? It'll be over in a blink, after all.

I'm super excited because I'm taking the kids to San Antonio over Thanksgiving. Since I celebrate Hanukkah, that makes custody issues around Christmas a little easier. I'm really looking forward to watching Gabe and Sofia play with all of their cousins.

My friend Kathi posted a picture of her in her Colonel Mustard costume on Facebook and I died laughing, not because of how awesome her costume was, (although it certainly was!), but because she posted, "I posted pics of me as Colonel Mustard. Now I want your best jokes" and everyone started posting the latest jokes they have heard. Now that completely brightened my day! The magical wonder of interpretation! Let's interpret things the way WE want to interpret them -- the most optimistic, beautiful way of interpreting them.

Happy weekend friends and family!
xoxo,
k

Therapy session

Since I started this blog, it has been mostly about the kids, but I think now it's time to branch out. I haven't done much writing just for me in a very long time. I supposedly get to write at work, but that's not really true. It's mostly editing or re-working what other people write. I'd like a place to voice my thoughts too just for my own therapy really. And since I need a lot of therapy and I'm too broke to afford an actual therapist, you can expect to hear from me in this space regularly.

When you have kids, I think too many of us (moms mostly) believe everything revolves around them, or that is what is expected anyway. My stories don't matter. The kids' stories, on the other hand, do. I viewed my stories as sad or boring. The way the kids view the world is so much more interesting. I have always been a good actress, so I tried hard to put a pretty smile and a pretty face on a lot of turmoil. But a wise woman two years ago asked if the relationship I had with my husband was one I would want Sofia to emulate, and I broke down in tears. Absolutely not. I hope one day she finds someone who treats her with respect, someone who stands beside her every decision, someone who understands the meaning of co-parenting. Same goes for my Gabe. I think a spouse should be your number one supporter all the time, not your critic, not someone who makes a game of pushing your buttons. For those of you who actually have that ideal partnership, I hope you cherish it. Hug your partners and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.

I am proud of myself for ending a long cycle of abuse and for helping set a new, positive example for the kids. That doesn't mean it isn't incredibly hard. I have many, many moments where I can't see straight through tears, where I feel like I can't breathe because all I want to do is hug and hold my two adorable kids, and I can't because they're with my ex- half of the time. I have had many moments where I question what I did. However, the way he is acting through this whole thing makes me realize he was never going to change, ever. He helps me remember again and again with his actions and with his dishonesty that I made the right choice, even if a painful choice. It's one I will not regret.

Here's to no longer putting a pretty face on an ugly subject -- the truth. I have had too many people --friends and family and complete strangers--say, "But you looked so happy!" Yeah, yeah. It's super easy to look happy. Act happy, capture the happy moments on film and in writing, and you might even almost convince yourself you can live with the rest of the B.S. No one knows what happens behind closed doors, except for the person who is supposed to love you the most and the darling innocent children who should never have to experience such awful fighting by miserable parents.

It's in a crisis like the one I've been going through for the last year that we discover who our true friends are -- those who don't judge or cast stones or act like divorce is somehow contagious. There's my bit of therapy for the day.

The Divorce Elephant

There’s an elephant in the room, and I suppose I should let her out. I haven’t talked to many friends or family about it at all, so I guess it’s time, and I would rather write about it than talk about it. This summer wasn’t an easy one for our family, and I’m happy fall is here. It means we made it through another season, and the kids are adjusting okay. After 11 years and 3 marriage therapists and no improvement in the health of our relationship, I decided this year I just couldn't do it anymore, and I know a lot of judgment comes with that decision. I didn’t see an improvement in the level and intensity of our fighting. I had received one too many notes from the kids about “Mom, I love you but I don’t like when you and Dad fight.” For too many years, I had talked myself into things like, “It’s better to argue in front of the kids rather than behind closed doors. We’re teaching them how to stand up for themselves.” It’s kind of amazing the things you’ll talk yourself into…

I asked Tim for a divorce in January, but he told me I needed to present him with papers before he’d do anything about it. I took my time, mulled it over, went to an attorney, and as it turns out, papers are not necessary, she said. “You just move out.” Sounded simple enough, but it really isn’t a simple thing at all. I wanted to wait until summer so the kids would have time to adjust. I waited until the kids were away for a couple of weeks in June so they wouldn’t have to be here for the move, and I moved into a small condo near the kids’ school. I was trying to ensure they’d have some continuity in their little lives. My teenage cousin Abby helped with continuity too by being their nanny again this summer and by going with the kids from house to condo and back.

I think Tim and I are both decent parents. We were just a miserable couple and were from the very beginning, and any of you who knows us knows that much. I hope one day we can learn to be friends. I also hope we can both do a good job of keeping the BS between us to a minimum and behind quiet closed doors. The kids don’t need to be involved in any of the adult-level conversations, and they don’t need to hear anything bad about the other parent. For now, we’re sharing custody, so the kids spend a week with me and then a week with Tim. We don’t have to go a full week away from them either because we have a mid-week visit with the kids on the opposite parent’s week.
 

I was (and am) very sad about it, but I just didn’t see things getting better. In fact, to me, they seemed to be getting worse. I kept trying to tell myself I just needed to make it until the kids were grown, but I kept having experiences that would make me question if I was doing the right thing. Only time will tell I suppose, but the kids seem to be doing okay. They’re resilient six- and nine-year-olds. Sofia has thrown herself into cheerleading, and I love how much she loves it. She practices constantly and wants to be the angel child because her brother has tough days. Gabe has some emotional moments and pushes boundaries because he's having a harder time with it, I think. He needs more TLC these days and doesn't know how to ask for it. So I hope his father is being patient with him.

In some ways, I also feel like a giant weight has been lifted. I don’t have to fight every day now; I don't walk on eggshells. I would much rather Gabe and Sofia have a role model who is a strong and happy single mom than a miserable, married mom.

Sofia asked me in the car yesterday, “Mom, when I want to get married someday, will my boyfriend have to ask Daddy’s permission?” And before I could say anything, Gabe said, “No, but he will have to ask Mom’s permission.” I laughed and I told her, “No he won’t – he’ll have to ask *your* permission to try to make you the happiest woman on Earth. You only choose someone because you think he’ll make you happy and you'll make him happy -- and only after you turn 30.” She said, “Not 20?” I repeated, “AFTER you’re at least 30.”

Happy birthday Gabe, my funny little guy!

Gabe turned 9 yesterday, which is surreal. I remember vividly meeting him for the first time. He was so quiet and big-eyed (and such a conehead)! haha! Gabe was such an easy baby. He ate all the time and loved to go everywhere with us. I really feel like he's growing up too fast. As a boy, he whines a little more than I like, picks on his sister a little more than I can handle (on some days), but all in all, he's an awesome and still very sweet and cuddly little boy. He always twirled my hair and grabbed my back with his hand when he was a little baby, and to this day, when he gets tired, he'll sit close to me and twirl my hair.

And he's funny! He came home from his last day in third grade and announced, "Mom, don't expect me to pass fourth grade. That was hard work." I just looked at him and shook my head. He was grinning like that was the funniest comment ever. He makes me laugh with his goofy faces. The other day when Abby (our cousin) was eating Pizza Rolls, she said, "Oh man they're hot." Gabe replied, "You think they're hot? How do you know they're boys? Are you going to date them or something?" He just likes trying to make people laugh.

He loves reading, playing video and computer games, making videos and sketching drawings online, and I still catch him cuddling with the cats.

He had his best friend Ethan over for a sleepover last night, and I grinned from ear to ear all night long because I kept hearing riotous fits of giggles. I hope he never loses his beautiful and smart sense of humor.

I love you so much Gabriel Ramon, and I'm so very proud of you. You'll knock the socks off of fourth grade, I just know it!

Shortest Post Ever

I'm getting so bad at posting. Work is crazy busy, and I seem to barely keep up with laundry at home. So, maybe I'll just post a few of my favorite recent photos...Here you go!

 Sofia is constantly drawing and reading!

Gabe and me being silly, having a staring contest!

 Gabe and one of his best buds Luca

 Alexandria and Jeremy and us at Dave & Buster's sans kiddos

Fun picture of us all dolled up to go to Brianna's bat mitzvah

The two Sofias! Very sweet!!!